Thanks to everyone who stopped by and commented on my submission yesterday. As many of you may know by now, Steena Holmes over at Chocolate Reality is holding a logline contest. Young Adult author, Michelle McLean will either critique the winner's query, or the first five to ten pages of their manuscript.
This is a great opportunity for one of us to get some professional feedback on our work. If you get a couple of minutes, please stop by Steena's blog and check out some of the other loglines. I've got some stiff competition. (:
After mulling over last night's comments, I revised my logline to include some of the issues that were addressed. The fifth submission is the latest version of my logline. I think it is the best one so far, but hey what do I know? (don't answer that). Anywho, it would be helpful if I could get your thoughts on the piece. Thanks for your time. I look forward to your feedback.
Final one sentence version.
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient mystical weapon that holds the key to stopping her father's evil killer from implementing his apocalyptic plot.
Final Version #5 (two sentences)
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. With the assistance of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father's killer implements his apocalyptic plot to win the White House, and her mother's heart.
Version #4 (scrapped)
Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. Now, with the help of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father’s demonic killer wins her mother’s heart and the White House.
Version #3 (scrapped)
Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits a mystical weapon that dates back to the time of Job, and is passed to her Mayan ancestors to protect through the generations. Now, she must use this weapon to unlock her destiny, which involves trusting a mysterious angel to help stop her father’s demonic killer before he wins her mother’s heart, then the White House.
Version #2 (scrapped)
Following her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits a mystical weapon that was entrusted to her family by a Mayan High Priest in the sixteenth-century. With the protection of a mysterious angel, who has watched over the object for nearly a millennium; Soledad must accept her destiny to use this weapon against her father's demonic murderer, before he can win her mother's heart, then the White House
Version #1 (scrapped)
Following her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient object that was entrusted to her family by a Mayan High Priest in the sixteenth-century. With the protection of a mysterious angel, she must uncover its secret before diabolical forces can implement their plot to win the White House, then the world.
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This is a great opportunity for one of us to get some professional feedback on our work. If you get a couple of minutes, please stop by Steena's blog and check out some of the other loglines. I've got some stiff competition. (:
After mulling over last night's comments, I revised my logline to include some of the issues that were addressed. The fifth submission is the latest version of my logline. I think it is the best one so far, but hey what do I know? (don't answer that). Anywho, it would be helpful if I could get your thoughts on the piece. Thanks for your time. I look forward to your feedback.
Final one sentence version.
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient mystical weapon that holds the key to stopping her father's evil killer from implementing his apocalyptic plot.
Final Version #5 (two sentences)
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. With the assistance of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father's killer implements his apocalyptic plot to win the White House, and her mother's heart.
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Hm, I think the idea is interesting, but I'm not convinced yet by your logline. Perhaps a little more formulaic would be good in this instance?
ReplyDeleteWhen Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient Mayan [...] after her father's murder, she finds herself in [... situtation]. If she doesn't do this than that will happen. (And personally I'd go for more personal stakes here. World domination is nice and all, but what's at stake for Soledad? :)
Hope that helps!
I agree with Marieke, you have a very good premise that just needs some tweaking (doesn't all of ours!). Definitely bring in something personal for Soledad to fight for, and I also felt some coldness about her father's death, like the two were estranged or didn't get along. Maybe you could mention that as well.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise, I'm a sucker for ancient artifacts with mysterious powers!
ReplyDeleteThat said, the plot line almost seems cliche. I TRY not to read other comments, but since I slipped, I will add that I like the suggestion above to highlight Soledad's stakes. That could personalize it enough to shed the stigma of cliche.
I love the premise, too. But I have to agree with Marieke. Don't worry I'm on my fourth revise. We still have a few days to tweak it.
ReplyDeleteMichael
First of all, I'd like to welcome all the newcomers to my blog. Thanks for taking the time to drop by and comment on my logline.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be objective about my own work, but now that you mention it, I did neglect to add Soledad's personal stakes. I'll mull over your suggestions tonight, then I'll get to revising in the a.m., after a couple of cups of Go,Go juice of course.
Also, Jamie, Soledad is very close with her father. It's hard to insert the MC's emotion into two sentences when there is so much of the plot that needs to be explained. However, if you are sensing a coldness about the murder, then I need to figure out a way to flush out more emotion. Thanks for pointing this out.
Sounds like an intriguing story bringing the ancient and modern together.
ReplyDeleteI do think the logline could be more focused. I'm not sure of the connection between the talisman and diabolical forces.
Could you be more specific about the diabolical forces and the mysterious angel?
Ooh, interesting!!
ReplyDeleteI wold like to see more personal stakes for the MC. What are the diabolical forces and who is the mysterious angel? Are they connected to the ancient object??
Hi Andrea, I was going to comment and I noticed you're going to revise your logline a bit. I'll pop back tomorrow to comment on your new one - don't have anything to add to the great comments above atm ;)
ReplyDeleteRach
Hi Andrea, yes I think I would agree with the others on this. Will enjoy seeing your rewrite version. :O)
ReplyDeleteLet me know when you've revised yours. No point me critting one that's going to be change (heck, I don't want to tell you how many times mine has been critted and revised).
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if anyone else mentioned this (I skimmed through the other comments), but you should mention your mc's age, plus diabolic sounds cliche.
It's my understanding that a log line should be one sentence of about 25 words. If that's not how it was described for this blogfest, then ignore my first sentence :)
ReplyDeleteWhile you're revising, try to be more specific. And as others have said, it's also better to include what's personally at stake for her. Here's a quickie example of the one-sentence thing, minus the personal stakes since I don't know what they are:
When Soledad Mendoza inherits a Mayan object (use a more specific word), a mysterious angel appears to help her uncover its secret and stop a plot by diabolical forces (more specific here, too) before they (more specific) can take over the world.
The revision is better.
ReplyDeleteWith the protection of a mysterious angel who watched over the object for nearly a millennium, Soledad must accept her destiny to use this weapon against her father's demonic murderer, before he can win her mother's heart, then the White House.
I almost think it would be better to end the sentence after heart.
Nicole, that's good advice. However, I'm conflicted about losing the White House reference because my story ends there. I'll chew on this for a while before making a change. Thanks for stopping in, I appreciate your comments.
ReplyDeleteThis one sounds like a wonderful book! Way to go. :o) I would only suggest tightening it up a bit so that it's not so long.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck, Andrea!!
Thanks for dropping in Jackie and welcome. I'll revise it once more. I appreciate your comments.
ReplyDeleteHi Adnrea! - Sounds like such a great idea. I'm might reccomend changing Following to After
ReplyDelete-
After her father's murderded, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient, mystical weapon. Now, she must use this weapon to help stop her father’s demonic killer before he steals her mother's heart and destroys the world.
Or keep the White House, too. I know you said your story ends there. Also, if you've been back to my blog, you know I'm on log line 6 or 7, so . . . yeah, if you come back over to mine and see something . . . go for it. I could use all the help I can get. LOL =D
I prefer version 2, but I'm confused by the mention of the White House... The mystical weapon is the most interesting part - I'd love to find out more about that [g]
ReplyDeleteOH! Thank you for the book and chocolates! Just picked them up yesterday!!
RaShelle,thanks for the helpful advice. I just revised it again. I'm on version number four now. I'll head over to your blog as soon as I'm done here. We'll eventually get this right.(:
ReplyDeleteDeniz, glad you finally received the package, I was beginning to wonder about it. Also, I just posted the fourth re-write. If you have the time, please let me know what you think.
Ah, now all the ends make sense.
ReplyDeleteI'd edit it like this:
Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendants to her Mayan ancestors. Now, with the help of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father’s demonic killer wins her mother’s heart -- and the White House.
(The only thing is, it doesn't quite explain how Soledad and her mother are linked to the White House...)
Hey Deniz, great suggestion, I'll take you up on it. The demonic murderer is in love with Soledad's mother. His diabolical plot is to ascend to the presidency. Perhaps I could write" "before her father's demonic killer can ascend to the White House, and win her mother's heart." I have to think about this, but I'm sure there's a way to show the distinction that he is after love and power. Thanks for pointing out the problem.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea, great to see your rewrite. I like the latest version #4 much better. Though I must say, I was really into it up until the time I got to winning her mother's heart and the White House - that was a little "what the??" moment for me (*grins*), in that both of those plotlines came so out of the blue.
ReplyDeleteUmm, so what can I suggest? I noticed in your comments that you gave a bit more info about the White House plotline. I think we need to find out in the logline the relationship between the MC and the White House. If there's no relationship, ie if the demon has two tasks (1) to get her mother, and (2) to become the President, then I think you should leave out the bit about the White House as it doesn't really strengthen the logline and you don't need every plotline in those miniscule 2 sentences (frustrating what!).
The other stumbling block for me arises (I think) because you're talking about "demonic killer" in one breath and "wins her mother's heart" in the next breath. Both of those concepts, to me, seem the antithesis of each other (hope that's the right way to say it). In other words, either there's a man in love with her mother and trying to win her heart, or else a demonic killer who wants her mother all to himself for some nasty purpose. I hope that's clear, sorry it's a bit hard to explain.
I wonder if it's the case here that you're being a little TOO specific in the last sentence. How about:
Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. Now, with the help of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father’s demonic killer can [achieve his plan for world domination (this is a bit cliched, but hopefully you can find another way to say this)/find a way to take control of thousands of weapons of mass destruction/something much better than I can write].
I hope this helps, and doesn't confuse matters :)
Rach
Thanks for stopping by Rachael and welcome. I don't find your comment confusing at all, actually, it is quite helpful. The only reason I added the snippet about "winning her mother's heart" is it shows Soledad's personal stake in the story.
ReplyDeleteIMHO, a villian should have multiple layers to be interesting. I think this is the case with my story. Although the following info is sprinkled throughout my book,it explains my villian's connection to the M.C.
In a nutshell, my villian is the Anti-Christ. In order to stay true to biblical prophecies, I gave him quite a background. Initially, my villian did not want to accept his destiny, so he became a minister, then he joined the Peace Corp, where he fell in love with Soledad's mother. However, when my m.c.'s father showed up as a new recruit, her mother left my villian for him. My villian wound up marrying my M.C.'s Cousin, (her mother's best friend) and had children with her. During this time, he received a law degree from Harvard, became a world ambassador, and eventually went into politics (Nevada Senator). Just when my villian believed he avoided his destiny, his wife and children were killed in an auto accident. He blamed God for the loss, and accepted his role as the Anti-Christ. However, Soledad's mother supported him throughout his time of grief. When Jorge died (was murdered by the Anti-Christ because he found out something he shouldn't have) then my villian was free to pursue Soledad's mother.
His larger goal is to ascend to the Presidency. After the V.P. contracts terminal cancer, and steps down, my villian is nominated to his position. Then, he arranges for the President to be poisoned, and voila, he rises to lead the free world. I know this sounds really complex and complicated, but trust me, it unfolds naturally throughout the text. Sooooo, as you can see, my villian has duel goals. Both are important to the story, but his interest in Soledad's mother affects her personally. I have to figure out a way to convey this in my logline. I'm off to write version number five. Wish me luck...
I agree, the revision is much better. Clear, concise. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteMargay
I think you can still tweak it some more because somehow, the urgency is missing from this version.
ReplyDeleteAfter her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits a mystical weapon passed down from her Mayan ancestors. (the name Job was confusing since there was no room to explain it, also you used several ways to explain that she inherited the weapon, one is enough)
With the assistance of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father's killer (This is great up to here, just the ending makes me shrug, so what. he becomes president and her stepfather. Nice. Now she's First Daughter. I mean, of course a killer as president isn't good but the sentence is missing the urgency to underline this.) Maybe you should be a bit more specific about the killer's plans
...before her father's killer marries her mother to sacrifice her. If Soledad can't appease the malevolent gods, the killer will start the apocalypse. (I know this isn't your story, it's just an example how to feed the idea with some select details to make the reader bite their nails)
I hope this helps,
Cat
Soledad Mendoza's birthright is a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. With the assistance of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father's killer steals her mother's heart and tries for the White House in his bid to control the free world.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading through your comments and wonder if it would make things easiest to understand if you call the killer the Anti-Christ. Also, I can't help but wonder who knows about him killing Soledad's father. Obviously Soledad does, does her mother? Does she tell her mother? Just throwing some ideas out there. If it sticks, great, if it doesn't, ignore. :)
Thanks Nicole, but my M.C. finds out the villian's identity through her father's journal entries. I don't want to give the entire story away. The logline is supposed to intrigue people, give them an idea of the plotline. I find it difficult to do a complex story justice in two lines, but it is what it is. Most people who ask about my story tend to inquire further. I hope this is the case if and when I ever finish the second draft of my novel. If nothing else, my logline is tighter than it was when I first started. I'm going to leave it as is, but thanks for your suggestions and feedback. Best of luck with your logline.
ReplyDeleteI like the two-sentence version, but I did notice one problem: apocalyptic has only one p.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good start. I'm a little confused between the connection of Job and Mayan's and what kind of weapon it is, but other than that, it sounds intriguing.
ReplyDeleteLOL, thanks pointing that out Roh. That's what I get for failing to spell check my work. I appreciate you stopping by to take a gander at my logline. Take care.
ReplyDeleteNajela, thanks for stopping by and welcome. Two sentences doesn't give me much to work with. Though, I would think the word mystical adequately describes the type of weapon it is. One could deduce that is has supernatural powers. The connection between Job and the Mayans doesn't need to be explained at this point. I have decided to let the logline stay as is for now, and I'll revisit it in a few months when I've completed my second draft. Again, thanks for taking the time to comment on my logline. See you round the bloggersphere.
I wasn't sure which logline you wanted to submit but I choose your two sentence ... if you want to have your other one, send me an email ... steenah@telus.net
ReplyDeletethanks for joining! I enjoyed reading the progression of your logline!
Hi! I think your final logline really captures the high level main conflict well. It's impossible to get detail in that explains story other than the main conflict in such a short space but you have succeeded.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Azimuth, and thanks for stopping in and commenting. I agree, it is almost impossible to get the details of my story in two sentences. Glad you felt I captured the main ideas. This logline thing is a work-in-progress. See you round the bloggersphere.
ReplyDeleteI admire your attempts at perfecting your logline. The one intimidating thing about writing is summing up 75k words into such a small, awesome package. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks M.T. it's good to know I'm not the only one out there who struggles with such things. The first draft of my WIP was 90,000 words. The count will be reduced by about 10,000 in my second draft. Trying to summarize a complex plot in two sentences is overwhelming. I've decided to let the latest logline marinade until I'm done with my draft. Then, I'll try again, when I'm not pulling my hair out over my novel. (; Thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteYour loglines are great, both the 1 sentence and 2 sentence versions. I do think the last sentence in the 2 sentence version feels a little rambly and unfocused, but still works, and I'm just picky. :)
ReplyDeleteLoglines are SO hard. Good luck!