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Logline #5...

Thanks to everyone who stopped by and commented on my submission yesterday.  As many of you may know by now, Steena Holmes over at Chocolate Reality is holding a logline contest.  Young Adult author, Michelle McLean will either critique the winner's query, or the first five to ten pages of their manuscript.

This is a great opportunity for one of us to get some professional feedback on our work. If you get a couple of minutes, please stop by Steena's blog and check out some of the other loglines.  I've got some stiff competition. (: 

After mulling over last night's comments, I revised my logline to include some of the issues that were addressed.  The fifth submission is the latest version of my logline.  I think it is the best one so far, but hey what do I know? (don't answer that).  Anywho, it would be helpful if I could get your thoughts on the piece. Thanks for your time.  I look forward to your feedback.

Final one sentence version.
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient mystical weapon that holds the key to stopping her father's evil killer from implementing his apocalyptic plot.

Final Version #5 (two sentences)
After her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. With the assistance of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father's killer implements his apocalyptic plot to win the White House, and her mother's heart.


Version #4 (scrapped)

 Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits her birthright, a mystical weapon passed down from Job's descendant's to her Mayan ancestors. Now, with the help of a mysterious angel, she must unlock the weapon's secrets before her father’s demonic killer wins her mother’s heart and the White House.


Version #3 (scrapped)
Following her father’s murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits a mystical weapon that dates back to the time of Job, and is passed to her Mayan ancestors to protect through the generations. Now, she must use this weapon to unlock her destiny, which involves trusting a mysterious angel to help stop her father’s demonic killer before he wins her mother’s heart, then the White House.




Version #2 (scrapped)
Following her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits a mystical weapon that was entrusted to her family by a Mayan High Priest in the sixteenth-century. With the protection of a mysterious angel, who has watched over the object for nearly a millennium; Soledad must accept her destiny to use this weapon against her father's demonic murderer, before he can win her mother's heart, then the White House


Version #1 (scrapped)
Following her father's murder, Soledad Mendoza inherits an ancient object that was entrusted to her family by a Mayan High Priest in the sixteenth-century. With the protection of a mysterious angel, she must uncover its secret before diabolical forces can implement their plot to win the White House, then the world.



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