Sunday, November 28, 2010

Which One Do You Like Best?

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I ate too much turkey and pie, but hey, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving if I didn't gorge myself.  No doubt I'll pay for my sins tomorrow when I hit the treadmill again.

Although much of last week was devoted to cooking and eating, I stole a few moments to work on my book. Steena Holmes over at Chocolate Reality was nice enough to critique the first chapter. Needless to say, it needs some work. I've written a couple of first paragraphs and now I'm not sure which one to use. Since they approach the story differently, I need to select the one that piques the reader's interest the most, soooo I thought I'd take a chance and post them below. It would help if you’d let me know which one you like best.

The long and short of this chapter is, Soledad (my M.C.) has a bike accident, is knocked out, and dreams of her father's murder, which takes place through supernatural circumstances. Then, at the end of the chapter she regains consciousness and is taken away in an ambulance. When she gets to the bottom of the mountain and cell service is restored, there are twenty missed calls on the phone. After several failed attempts to contact her mother, she finally reaches her brother Tony. He reports that their father had a heart attack the previous night and died just minutes before her call.

Without further adieu, the paragraphs are posted below. Please keep these are a work-in-progress and are very rough.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I look forward to your comments. Until next time, happy writing.

Paragraph #1
Soledad Mendoza always pushed herself to extremes. This characteristic enabled her to get a Ph.D a year early, allowed her to complete a solo motorcycle ride across the United States in a week, and was the reason she still competed in extreme mountain bike races at the age of thirty-five. Although this tenacity and determination had led to some of her biggest successes, today they were her undoing. Soledad had ten seconds to make up and brakes were for wimps she thought as her bike careened down the most treacherous part of the bike trail.

Paragraph #2
Time slowed to a crawl as Soledad barreled down the side of the mountain. Branches and twigs snapped violently under her weight and scratched her skin. She screamed in horror as the mountain bike bounced over her body, smashed into a towering rock wall and rebounded in a heap of titanium. This terror was compounded a second later when her helmet hit the wall with a thunderous crack. A jolt of pain exploded in the back of her head.  In that moment, the lights grew dim and her mind drifted into darkness.