I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I ate too much turkey and pie, but hey, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving if I didn't gorge myself. No doubt I'll pay for my sins tomorrow when I hit the treadmill again.
Although much of last week was devoted to cooking and eating, I stole a few moments to work on my book. Steena Holmes over at Chocolate Reality was nice enough to critique the first chapter. Needless to say, it needs some work. I've written a couple of first paragraphs and now I'm not sure which one to use. Since they approach the story differently, I need to select the one that piques the reader's interest the most, soooo I thought I'd take a chance and post them below. It would help if you’d let me know which one you like best.
The long and short of this chapter is, Soledad (my M.C.) has a bike accident, is knocked out, and dreams of her father's murder, which takes place through supernatural circumstances. Then, at the end of the chapter she regains consciousness and is taken away in an ambulance. When she gets to the bottom of the mountain and cell service is restored, there are twenty missed calls on the phone. After several failed attempts to contact her mother, she finally reaches her brother Tony. He reports that their father had a heart attack the previous night and died just minutes before her call.
Without further adieu, the paragraphs are posted below. Please keep these are a work-in-progress and are very rough. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I look forward to your comments. Until next time, happy writing.
Paragraph #1
Soledad Mendoza always pushed herself to extremes. This characteristic enabled her to get a Ph.D a year early, allowed her to complete a solo motorcycle ride across the United States in a week, and was the reason she still competed in extreme mountain bike races at the age of thirty-five. Although this tenacity and determination had led to some of her biggest successes, today they were her undoing. Soledad had ten seconds to make up and brakes were for wimps she thought as her bike careened down the most treacherous part of the bike trail.
Paragraph #2
Time slowed to a crawl as Soledad barreled down the side of the mountain. Branches and twigs snapped violently under her weight and scratched her skin. She screamed in horror as the mountain bike bounced over her body, smashed into a towering rock wall and rebounded in a heap of titanium. This terror was compounded a second later when her helmet hit the wall with a thunderous crack. A jolt of pain exploded in the back of her head. In that moment, the lights grew dim and her mind drifted into darkness.
Although much of last week was devoted to cooking and eating, I stole a few moments to work on my book. Steena Holmes over at Chocolate Reality was nice enough to critique the first chapter. Needless to say, it needs some work. I've written a couple of first paragraphs and now I'm not sure which one to use. Since they approach the story differently, I need to select the one that piques the reader's interest the most, soooo I thought I'd take a chance and post them below. It would help if you’d let me know which one you like best.
The long and short of this chapter is, Soledad (my M.C.) has a bike accident, is knocked out, and dreams of her father's murder, which takes place through supernatural circumstances. Then, at the end of the chapter she regains consciousness and is taken away in an ambulance. When she gets to the bottom of the mountain and cell service is restored, there are twenty missed calls on the phone. After several failed attempts to contact her mother, she finally reaches her brother Tony. He reports that their father had a heart attack the previous night and died just minutes before her call.
Without further adieu, the paragraphs are posted below. Please keep these are a work-in-progress and are very rough. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I look forward to your comments. Until next time, happy writing.
Paragraph #1
Soledad Mendoza always pushed herself to extremes. This characteristic enabled her to get a Ph.D a year early, allowed her to complete a solo motorcycle ride across the United States in a week, and was the reason she still competed in extreme mountain bike races at the age of thirty-five. Although this tenacity and determination had led to some of her biggest successes, today they were her undoing. Soledad had ten seconds to make up and brakes were for wimps she thought as her bike careened down the most treacherous part of the bike trail.
Paragraph #2
Time slowed to a crawl as Soledad barreled down the side of the mountain. Branches and twigs snapped violently under her weight and scratched her skin. She screamed in horror as the mountain bike bounced over her body, smashed into a towering rock wall and rebounded in a heap of titanium. This terror was compounded a second later when her helmet hit the wall with a thunderous crack. A jolt of pain exploded in the back of her head. In that moment, the lights grew dim and her mind drifted into darkness.
Hmm, difficult to decide, because they're both good. #2 has more of a hook, but overall, I think I like #1 more b/c it was nice to have a little background info so we care a little more about whether or not this character we just met gets hurt. I vote for both, #1 that then flows into #2. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping in Jenn. Based on your answer I take it you get my dillema.(: Good suggestion though, combining the two could work. Beginnings are sooooo darned hard.(:
ReplyDeleteWithout a doubt, number 2. It drew me in, was very exciting and intriguing. The first one seemed to be telling, narrative.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to read my paragraphs Kim. Your comment really helped. I'm leaning toward number two as well, but it's a hard decision. Sometimes it helps to get a concensus. Take care and happy holidays.
ReplyDeleteI preferred number two for the same reason as Kym. The other is too much telling to start off, though I'm sure the information could be included elsewhere :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by GeeBee. I agree,certain aspects of Soledad's personality should unfold slowly throughout the novel. My husband likes a lot of background in a story before getting to the meat of it. Thus, the reason for my confusion, I wanted number two, he wanted one.(: However, he's a fantasy guy and I'm a thriller gal. As a fellow writer, I'm sure you know beginnings differ greatly across genres. Most thrillers start off with some sort of action, so I'm leaning toward number two. Thanks again for your comments. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI like them both, but #2 gets into the action of the story quicker. The other backstory information from #1 could be sprinkled in a bit later. #2 gets us going right away. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI favored #2 as well. It seemed to flow better for me and I'm partial to action. :)
ReplyDeleteI thought both were profound,bravo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping in D.L. Number two seems to be the most popular. I appreaciate your input.
ReplyDeleteIan, thanks for stopping by and welcome to Aspiring Novelists. I appreciate your feedback.
I like them both, but if I had to I would choose #2. I, also am an aspiring novelist. Your work is good. I'm writing humor and commercial fluff, until I improve my writing skills. I have a long way to go. Good luck with your dream. Thanks for visiting my site.
ReplyDeleteGreetings, Andrea! I stumbled across your humble blog and thought I'd comment on your most recent post. I read both paragraph ideas, and I have to say from my personal experience being an assistant editor for a publishing company, it is a good idea to stay away from the dream sequences! They are a big red flag, and usually when they pop up, my bosses (Tim and Shane) immediately put it on the back burner. You have no idea how many times I've seen dream sequences, and for a writer with talent like yourself, it would be a shame to see your novel go to waste like that because of a simple cliche. I like both premises, though. I think they're intriguing enough, but I would go with the latter simply because dream sequences are bad news.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you wanted some help editing your novel from other authors, I suggest joining a site that I personally love called Scribophile. It's completely addictive, which is why I am not going back to it until my novel is complete. Everyone was a great help and you learn to sharpen your own skills in the process, which can only help your writing further.
-J.
Bothered, thanks for stopping by and welcome. Humor is difficult for me. It seems when I'm trying to be funny, no one laughs and when I'm not, everyone does. Go figure... Best of luck on your novel.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, thanks for stopping in and welcome. I appreciate your insightful comments. Unfortunately, both paragraphs lead into a dream sequence, which the reader discovers is a vision by the end of the chapter. I've already written it and am hesitant to change anything right now. I'll definitely revisit the approach once my novel is complete. Also, thanks for the heads up about Scribophile. I plan to head over to the site right now. Best of luck on your novel.
I like number 2 best. :o) It draws the reader right in, doesn't start with telling backstory, and is instant action. We can feel the inciting incident coming forward fast. The info about who she is can come out in showing us how she reacts to that incident.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Andrea. Good work!!
Thanks for stopping in Jackie and welcome. I appreciate your comments. For some odd reason, starting points are so difficult for me. Once I get into the story I'm fine, but phew, getting there's the tough part. Thanks for your feedback. Take care.
ReplyDeleteNumber two read a lot better, and left me wanting more. I’m not a published writer, so take what I have to say lightly. I think if you trim your writing down just a little it would flow better, and have an all around better feel.
ReplyDeleteTime slowed to a crawl as Soledad lost control of her bike, and barreled down the side of the mountain. Branches and twigs snapped violently under her weight. She screamed in horror as the mountain bike bounced over her body, smashed into a towering rock wall and rebounded in a heap of titanium. A second later her helmet hit the wall with a thunderous crack. A jolt of pain exploded in her head. In that moment, the lights grew dim and her mind drifted into darkness.
I added the part, “lost control of her bike” because I felt it help me see what was happening; it let me connect to what she was experiencing.
I hope that helped… best of luck.
Jeff, thanks for helpful comments, and welcome to Aspiring Novelists. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to add the part about Soledad losing control of her bike. You're right, it really does let the reader know whats going on. Although the paragraph has changed substantially from the raw form you saw above, it is still a work-in progress. I posted the rest of the chapter on Scribophile. If you're a member I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at it. You obviously have a knack for editing.(:
ReplyDeleteAlso, if I can return the favor, I'm only an e-mail away.(: Again, thanks for stopping by. Your comments helped more than you know. Have a blessed Christmas and a prosperous New Year.