Last month I discovered that I tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive. This revelation came to me during one of my son's soccer games, and it hit with all the force of a freight train. After the game he asked if I noticed his assist. I told him that I did, and it was good, but he needed to improve his touches. He shrugged and said, "It figures, you always notice what I don't do."
I would have debated the point, but the truth is, he wasn't far off the mark. If he brings home a report card with all A's and one B, I zero in on the lower grade. After giving this a lot of thought, I realized that this negativity also leaks into my writing.
As many of you know, I'm a member of some online critique sites. When I first began my novel three years ago, I received a lot of negative feedback on my work. Although it upset me a little, in retrospect, I expected nothing less. After all, I was a fledgling fiction writer and it would take years to learn the craft.
One could argue (like my husband did) that I turned the feedback into something positive by pushing myself to improve on my weaknesses. Hell, I even overcame many of them. Although this is good, by concentrating on all the things I did poorly in, I failed to take pride in what I'd done right .
I think my negativity stems from a fear of failure. If I tell myself I suck as a writer, then it won't sting so badly if I fail to publish. The problem with this logic is, negativity breeds more negativity. It smothers out all the positive. When I concentrate on my son's missed passes, I am so busy brooding that I fail to see the look of joy on his face when he has a goal assist.
For what it's worth. I have turned over a new leaf. From now on no more negativity. I mean it. All I did during my son's last two games was cheer him on. I won't deny at first it seemed contrived, especially since I'm usually busy sideline coaching, but at the end of each game I felt really happy. Leaving the commentary to the coaches freed up time to laugh with and enjoy the company of the other parents. My son brought home a C the other day. Instead of making a big deal out of it, I told him that although I didn't want this to become a habit, sometimes crap happens. We'd just study harder next time.
Essentially, there's no such thing as perfect. Life's too short to try to achieve the impossible. Each day is a gift, and I've decided to be thankful and appreciate all the blessings it brings.
What about you all? Has anyone else ever had a similar experience. If so, I'd be interested to know about it. Until next time, happy writing.
I think we all have fears that make us do the negative thing and not realize it. The important thing is realizing, but I know it's not easy. I always tell myself negativity never helps, but sometimes I forget.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is soooo easy to forget. I'm going to try hard not to. Thanks for stopping in.
Deletein general, i'm a very positive person. And when negativity does strike me, i'm usually able to shrug it off without much effort. Just keep at it, and before long that positivity will just be your new nature and you won't have to work at it anymore!
ReplyDeleteThat's my hope, Sarah. I want to get where you are and be able to shrug off the negativity. Thanks for stopping in.
DeleteWe're twins! Seriously, this rang so true for me, right down to how I handle my kids' activities. I don't want to be so positive that I miss important things, but I agree that focusing on more positivity really is the best way to go.
ReplyDeleteTricia, it's good to know I'm not alone here. You're right, it's better to be positive. Makes life so much easier. Thanks for stopping in.
DeleteI am an optimist with the tendency to get pessimistic when I am tired. This can be very tiresome (oh the irony!)
ReplyDeleteFear of failure is such a tricky one. I suffered from that myself. Then I learned something. Successful people fail miserably at times. Then they dust themselves off and start something new. If they fail again, they start again, just until something sticks (this is from Poke the Box by Seth Godin).
Ever since then, I love to fail miserably, because it means I get to start something anew :)
I can relate. It's hard to be positive about anything when I'm tired.
DeleteI will have to read Godin's book. What a way to look at failure. Thanks for the head's up.
THANKS for reminding me its the first wed of the month and thank you for following my site!
ReplyDeleteI am slowly learning to believe in myself. Today, is good day.
So glad, Green Monkey. Life's definitely a journey.
DeleteI'm like Sarah...usually a very positive person. I'm one of those who follows the guidance "if you don't have anything nice to say..." But I'll also be the first to say that ignoring the negative isn't always the way to go. A delicate balance is a better approach.
ReplyDeleteAs always, D.L. you come bearing wonderful words of wisdom. I'm trying to find that balance. Hopefully it will happen sooner than later. Take care.
DeleteI'd never call myself an optimist, but there is something to be said for looking on the bright side. Joyce's Ulysses had 2,000 errors when it was published, and it's still a masterpiece. Bright side.
ReplyDeleteSo true, S.L. It's certainly warmer on the bright side.(: Thanks for stopping in.
DeleteGood for you! Staying positive isn't always easy, but it's worth the effort. Your balance will come sooner than you think :)
ReplyDeleteHi carol, thanks for stopping by. As always, I appreciate the support.
DeleteSo true being negative attracts more of it kind...being a pessimist by nature its more difficult when writing becomes the next t most thing in your life. I am learning to more positive and believe but it takes time.
ReplyDeleteHi Rek, and welcome. I hope your journey to positivity is a short one.(: I'll be right behind you. All the best.
DeleteMy mother is that way, always pointing out the negative. She still doesn't believe I actually have books on Amazon and people are buying them.
ReplyDeleteI try to take a different approach with my own daughter. It's funny, because I praise her with all her accomplishments so lavishly that when she does something wrong, she tells me about it first. I don't know if that's reverse psychology or not, but it works.
Well, Anne, you also gave me lots of food for thought here. When my sons are grown I don't want them to remember me as a Negative Nelly. I hope your mother sees the light like I did. Life's too short to always focus on the bad stuff. Thanks for stopping in.
DeleteGood point--if there's negativity, it will just attract more. I think I needed that reminder!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Golden Eagle. Reminders are good wake up calls. That's for sure. Take care.
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