Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Opinions Pleaaaaaase!!!!!

Hello All,

I recently began a new WIP.  Although I'm happy with my outline, I've struggled with the beginning. This said, I wrote two opening paragraphs. Both lead to the same place, but they take a very different paths to get there. I just can't decide which one I like better.  If you have a minute or two, I'd  appreciate it if you'd give your opinion. Which paragraph would keep you reading?  Also, please be mindful that these are very raw first drafts.  I'd be happy to return the favor anytime.  Thanks in advance for your help.

Opening #1  A cold chill broke across my arms when he entered the room. It happened every time I saw him. By now you'd think I'd be used to him Yet, here I sat, dreading his very presence. You see, to everyone else he was a man of flesh and blood. A man who devoted his life to treating the sick.  To me, he was Doom—bringing false hope to the incurable—deliverer of tragedy, ready to do his worst.  My dad and I had been confronted by him many times, and for the last seven years, we'd stood our ground. I hoped that today, the fight would end.   Dad must have noticed my discomfort, because he pulled out the old give her a pat on the knee card.  Like it miraculously made everything all right. If only he knew that after sixteen years of watching him, I'd learned to read his tells. A gentle pat was the way he masked his concern.  

Opening #2  Mirrors were taboo last summer. I'm sure dad thought it was a classic case of avoidance—that I didn't want to watch my long black hair fall out or my eye brows disappear.  What he didn't know, was every time the sutures tickled my fingertips, I pictured a pale, bald freak with stitches across her scalp. No doubt that image was probably ten times worse than anything I'd see in the mirror.